Meowth glared at his teammates. "Don't you two have some corporate brainwashing to go to?" he asked.

Jesse and James looked at him suspiciously. "Why are you so eager to get rid of us?" asked Jesse.

"I just want to help further your careers,” Meowth said, practically shoving his teammates out the door.

“So…how do you think they’re going to humiliate us this time?” asked James.

“It can’t just be us,” said Jesse. It was starting to become something of a mantra. “If it was just us, there wouldn’t be a seminar.”

They both stopped as Vaporeon walked by in the opposite direction.

“It definitely isn’t just us,” said James. They both sighed unhappily.

“Uhm, Ash…” said Misty, staring down at their kitchen table.

“What the hell?” asked Brock.

They were both looking at Ash’s Jeremy and Jane action figures who were wearing their Rocky Horror Fun Playset clothes. Bondage Barkly was nearby and would have been watching if his little plastic eyes hadn’t been covered by a black leather hood. Not only were Jeremy and Jane in full “Transylvanian” glory, they were also using their poseable limbs for evil. Disturbing, plastic evil…Ash looked guiltily at his friends, then picked up a little plastic whip and gave it to Jane.

“I am so telling your mother,” said Misty.

"I just heard the most interesting little tidbit of gossip," said Vaporeon, yawning and stretching out on a pillow.

"Uh-huh," said Meowth, staring at her with the hungry eye. It had been quite some time since he'd been able to get Jesse and James out of the way at the same time she ditched Clay and Allison. Separately the two things seemed easily accomplished, but the problem was that they had to happen at the same time...

"It's about Giovanni," Vaporeon continued, smiling. "He named his persian Mr. Kitty."

Meowth's face fell. "He named it?" he wailed.

Vaporeon rolled her eyes. "It's not a very good name," she said.

"He didn't name me anything!" Meowth threw himself face first on the floor and began sobbing hysterically.

The water pokemon shrugged, then poked Meowth with a paw. "He didn't name me anything either. But who cares? I'm just glad he didn't evolve me into something crappy." Noticing that this didn't cheer Meowth up at all, Vaporeon sighed. "Look, that means that Mr. Ki--Persian is just a pet to him! You're at least a subordinate!"

"Wonderful," Meowth muttered.

"Why do you miss Giovanni so much? Now you've got two humans who've only asked you to fight for them five times maximum and who've never used a pokeball on you!"

Meowth sat up and glared at her. "You're stolen, aren't you?" Vaporeon nodded. "Don't you miss your old trainer?"

Vaporeon's eyes narrowed. "Hardly. The little runt didn't want to evolve me. And why talk about trainers? They're off learning about the joys of chastity."

Giovanni's secret weapon for this seminar was, much to Jesse and James' relief, not more pictures with the eyes of the subjects covered. Instead, it was far, far worse than that.

"When one little Team Rocket cub hugs another Team Rocket cub, that is sexual harassment," said Sexual Harassment Snorlax.

"Found them yet?" asked Jesse.

James opened another secret compartment on his belt. "Not yet," he said. They were currently trying to find cyanide tablets. “Want to help?” It was an innocent enough question until their eyes met.

“I’ve got something else you can look for,” said Jesse. “Meet me in the bathroom after this crap.”

“Which one?”

"When one little snorlax leans against another little snorlax, that is sexual harassment," Sexual Harassment Panda continued. "Also, if one little snorlax touches another little snorlax for no reason, that's also sexual harassment."

Jesse buried her face in her hands. "Why me?" she asked.

"I can think of a few reasons," muttered Cassidy from behind her.

"At least the pictures are crappy drawings of snorlaxes," said James, trying to console his partner verbally for once.

"Yes...crappy snorlaxes in white Team Rocket uniforms," said Jesse. "Why haven't we quit again?"

"Because they kill people who quit?"

"James, we don't know enough valuable information to be worth the ammunition."

"So why haven't we quit?"

Jesse shrugged. "My therapist said something about a fear of facing new things and seeking comfort in repeated actions."

"What a quack."

"I know."

“Okay, so this guy asks his marriage counselor what he can do to spice up his sex life,” said Allison. She and Clay were earning their place at this seminar. “And she says, ‘You need to do something erotic. Take the day off of work, and when your wife comes home, open the door wearing nothing but Saran Wrap…”

"When one little snorlax watches another little snorlax change, that's sexual harassment," said Sexual Harassment Snorlax.

Starr leapt to her feet, her pink curls bouncing as she moved. "We'd stop if someone gave us a desk job!" she snapped.

“…and so the mailman looks at him and says, ‘I can clearly see you’re nuts,’” Allison finished.

“That was so lame,” said Clay, rolling his eyes. “Tell me another one.”

“Why do Nurse Joys wear their hair in big loops?”

Henry stood up. Jesse, Cassidy, Clay, Allison, and Olive all stared at him, completely enraptured by his rugged good looks. James, Butch, and Print, the partners of the other group, gave Henry their best death stares. "We have about four feet of space to live in," he added.

"Poor Henry," sighed Jesse.

"That really is a shame," said Cassidy, no longer seeming to care that she'd only been rescued from jail so she could sit through Sexual Harassment Snorlax's lame talk.

"You can move in with us!" offered Allison.

"We have plenty of space!" said Clay.

Sexual Harassment Snorlax shook his head. "That's another example of sexual harassment," he said. “That makes me a very sad snorlax…”

"Kiss my ass," snapped Clay.

"Make it double," said Allison, pulling out a yellow carnation.

"Someone stop them before they say their motto!" shouted Olive.

"At least we have a motto," Allison said snidely.

"Shut up, I'm trying to sleep," snapped Butch.

"I think it's time to sing the 'Respecting Others’ Boundaries Makes Everyone Happy' Song," said Sexual Harassment Snorlax. "When you molest someone it makes everyone sad/Sexual Harassment is very very bad/But respecting others boundaries makes everyone glad!" Someone threw a balled up copy of the "Sexual Harassment Leads to Dismemberment" at Sexual Harassment Snorlax, hitting him in the head. "Hey, that's sexual harassment!"

Two generic Rockets were seated in the shadows of the back row, muttering amongst themselves. “Why are we here again?” asked the male member of the duo.

“At least Jesse’s here,” said the female member, sighing happily.

“Of course she’s here, Bonnie,” said her partner, who was naturally Clyde.

“Now, why can’t we all sing the ‘Respecting Others Boundaries Makes Everyone Happy’ song?” asked Sexual Harassment Snorlax. Underneath his heavy and putridly hot suit, Sexual Harassment Snorlax soon knew the true meaning of fear as his audience stood up, pokeballs in hand.

“Arbok, go!”

“Weezing, go!”

“Raticate, go!”

“Hitmonchan, go!”

“Hitmonlee, I choose you!”

Clay glared at his partner. “Cute,” he muttered.

Allison stuck her tongue out at him. “At least I wasn’t so busy staring at James’ crotch that I sent out my crappy clefairy!”

“Leave Clefairy alone! And I wasn’t staring at his crotch; I was staring at his ass!”

Jesse and James exchanged a glance. “How can they have such good pokemon and such crappy ones,” Jesse said.

“When we just have crappy ones!” James finished.

“Raticate, hyper fang!” shouted Cassidy.

“Weezing, sludge attack!” shouted James.

“Arbok, bind!” shouted Jesse.

“Hitmonlee, fury kick!” shouted Allison.

“Clefairy, uhm…stop trying to be Sexual Harassment Snorlax’s friend! ” Clay shouted as his clefairy skipped over to Sexual Harassment Snorlax.

“Go, Ponyta!” shouted Henry.

“Squirtle, go!” shouted Starr.

“Muk, go!” shouted Olive.

“Tentacool, go!” shouted Print.

Bonnie and Clyde, who were unaware of the fact that their days might be a bit numbered, stood up. “Venomoth, go!” shouted Clyde.

“Beedril, go!” shouted Bonnie.

Butch, who was basically pokemonless, watched the battle with a smirk. Naturally Sexual Harassment Snorlax was now covered in sludge and being crushed by Arbok while Raticate gnawed on him and Hitmonlee kicked him. “Is anyone here surprised that Clay has a clefairy?” he asked.

There was a group snort. “Hardly,” said Jesse.

Clefairy was currently skipping about the room, chanting “Clefairy, clefairy” over and over again.

“Stupid clefairy,” muttered Clay.

“Ponyta, fire blast!” ordered Henry.

When Giovanni opened the door to his office and saw Sexual Harassment Snorlax running down the hall, screaming as he tried to beat out the flames on his suit, the leader of Team Rocket shook his head. Apparently his agents hadn’t liked this motivational speaker either. Still, this one had fared better than the last one. Jimmy the Don’t Molest Your Partner Caterpie hadn’t been able to walk after the White, Grey, and Elite Black Squads were done with him.

Obviously it was time for something else…men in suits clearly weren’t doing the job. But that could wait until after the Pokemon Beauty Pageant. His persian would naturally crush the competition.

Clay was looking at his hair in the bathroom mirror when he heard an odd sound coming from the middle stall. “If this is the Mad Giggler again,” he muttered. He then sighed, and turned around, leaning against the sink. “Of course, I can only think of two reasons why that kind of moaning would be coming from in there…” He bent down to look at two pairs of black boots. “Hello, White Squad!”

“Crap,” muttered two familiar voices.

The door opened and Jesse and James exited, their jackets slightly askew and their hair severely ruffled. “How much this time?” asked Jesse.

James looked at himself in the mirror and immediately began finger combing his hair. “I practically look like you,” he said to Clay.

“I might have to up the price just for that,” said Clay. “And what’s wrong with my hair?”

“You look like you stuck a fork in an electrical outlet,” Jesse explained. “And your hair’s fine,” she snapped at James. “Just help me find enough money to buy off Clay!”

“Don’t worry about it, Jess,” said James.

“Because sexual favors are accepted,” Clay said, winking at him.

“Because Vaporeon agreed to split the pay day profits she gets from Meowth!” James finished, starting to move away from Clay and behind Jesse.

Clay sighed. “At least we’ll be able to pay off our video fines…” he said sadly. “But still, a sexual favor’s worth a thousand yen!”

“But it won’t pay hospital bills,” Jesse told him through clenched teeth. James was now cowering behind her. “And Meowth doesn’t know pay day, remember?” she hissed at James.

“Oh, right.”

“A thousand yen will be sufficient then,” Clay said sadly.

After leaving the bathroom, Jesse and James paused to look at a flier hanging on the wall. “Perfect,” said Jesse. “A trophy like that should be worth some extra cash…”

“Plus, it’ll be a chance to prove once and for all who has the prettiest pokemon!” added James.

Later, Clay was trying to comfort his clefairy. “Allison didn’t really mean those things she said about you,” he said. They were in his room, since the Grey Squad naturally had no official plotting room.

“Of course she did,” said Vaporeon.

“Damn right,” Allison agreed.

Clefairy began crying. “Now you made Clefairy cry!” snapped Clay, hugging the pink and ineffective blob tightly.

“Clay, we’ve got bigger things to worry about. Like the fact that we’ve got a Pokemon Beauty Pageant to win!”

“What?” asked Clay and Vaporeon.

Allison held up a flier. “With our pokemon, we’re guaranteed to win!”

“Especially since Hitmonlee and Hitmonchan can put the competition out of commission!” added Clay.

Vaporeon stared at them. “Traditionally, beauty contests don’t involve beating the people prettier than you. It’s generally more subtle.”

Clay and Allison exchanged a glance that clearly said “Primitive time period.” “Hello, we’re from a utopian society,” said Clay.

“Yeah, we live in a bleak future,” Allison added. “Kind of like 1984 meets Brave New World…”

“Meets Apocalypse Now,”

“Combined with Anthem,”

“With just a hint of Waiting for Godot.”

Allison stared at her partner. “Waiting for Godot?” she asked. “We don’t stand around by trees getting erections and threatening to hang ourselves!”

“Please. It’s no more obscure than that little Ayn Rand reference you decided to toss in.”

“How much could possibly change in 30 years?” asked Vaporeon. “Especially since you two don’t seem to have any culture of your own!”

“Well, anyway,” said Allison, quickly changing the subject. “At least we have money now.”

“Good bye fines!” cheered Clay.

Vaporeon flushed. “About that plan…” she said.

“What?” asked Clay and Allison.

“He told me he doesn’t know pay day,” Vaporeon mumbled.

Anger veins appeared on both Clay and Allison. “We send you out to prostitute yourself and this is the best you can do?” screamed Allison.

“And people have started asking Al for ID when she uses her credit cards!” added Clay.

“Well, we are in Team Rocket,” said Allison.

“True. But still, it’s extremely difficult to show ID when it says you haven’t been born yet.”

“I know. It also doesn’t help that none of the credit cards are in my name.”

“Let me see,” said Clay. Allison handed him a stack of credit cards. “Jesse, James, Jesse, Misty Ketchum—How did you get this?”

Allison shrugged. “Who cares? It has a low limit though.”

“Of course, first we have to find your mom,” said Misty.

“Why?”

“We just do!” said Misty, wishing the narrator had never discovered the “cut” and “paste” tools then used them to unite three completely unrelated prose pieces.

“She’s probably next door,” said Brock.

“Hey, Brock, are you coming back for good this time or are you going to strangely disappear again so Tracey can walk around drawing pictures of Misty while she’s asleep because he wants to capture how fine her ass is?” asked Ash. “And I’m quoting, Misty, so don’t think I like you or anything.”

Misty glared at him. “I’d rather have Tracey draw naked pictures of me than have someone like you like me!”

“Good, because he has.”

“What?!”

“We should get you a TM for pay day,” snapped Allison.

“If you want something to learn pay day, why not teach that worthless luneon?” asked Vaporeon. “Who I still say is dead weight.”

“Can luneons learn pay day?” asked Clay.

“Can clefairies?” asked Allison.

Vaporeon yawned and looked down at one of her paws. “Not that you two are willing to shell out any money for a TM…you sure as hell weren’t willing to give me my ice beam TM!”

Clay and Allison shrugged. “You got it, didn’t you?” asked Allison.

“Where did you get it from again?” asked Clay.

“I don’t know…continuity glitch?” suggested Vaporeon.

“Good enough,” said Allison, standing up. “A breeding center uses TMs, right?”

“Probably,” said Clay and Vaporeon, exchanging a glance because neither of them knew where this was heading.

“Then our friend Botchiekins had better prepare for trouble!” Allison shouted, tossing her uniform into the air, revealing Tin Nyanko from Sailor Moon’s outfit. It was a low cut black leather leotard with a black leather pleated skirt, red leather trim, little golden bells, strange high heel pseudo-boots, and fishnets.

“Al, did you plan for this in advance?” asked Clay, looking up in fear and realizing she’d even done her hair in little cat ears with braids coming from them.

“No,” Allison said, giving him a strange look.

Jesse, James, Butch, and Cassidy were already set-up in the lounge, preparing to beautify their pokemon.

“We’ve got some shopping to do,” said Cassidy, looking down and realizing that she and Butch had acquired some of the skankiest pokemon known to man.

“I needed to pick up cigarettes anyway,” added Butch.

Cassidy glared at him. “You told me you were quitting!” she snapped.

Jesse and James looked at each other and rolled their eyes. “Look, Botch already has emphysema,” said James.

“What’s one more carton going to do?” asked Jesse.

Before the inevitable fighting broke out, there was a knock on the door. Allison sauntered in, still clad in her Animate Meowthwoman glory. James and Butch’s jaws naturally dropped. “Oh, Butchiekins,” said Allison, continuing to saunter until she was seated on his lap. “I could really use a TM or two…”

“Gnnahh?” Butch asked, verbally hindered by the fact that Allison’s assets were barely covered by her leotard’s complete and total lack of a neckline. There was a little bow that was somehow attached to the center, but it was bright red so to draw the eye towards the things it wasn’t concealing.

Allison smiled while Cassidy began wishing for the ability to spit bullets. “Because I’ve got two, soft, cuddly pokemon that could really use one of your delicious TMs,” Allison was saying as she began twirling her braids. Suddenly she shifted so she was essentially straddling Butch’s lap and leaned forward. “You do want to give me those TMs, don’t you?”

“Huh-wha?” Butch’s other, smaller brain wasn’t good at thinking of things to say. In fact, this “brain” only controlled certain movements, most of which had absolutely nothing to do with speaking. Another interesting fact about the smaller brain that it was currently trying to escape.

Allison naturally noticed that Butch was a man with a weakness. Specifically, a weakness for cleavage and black leather. “You are paying attention to me, Butchiekins, aren’t you?” Allison asking, cupping his face in both her hands.

“Allison, leave him alone before things get messy,” Clay said from the doorway.

Allison half turned around, “accidentally” moving to give Butch an even better extreme close-up view. “Clay, beat it.”

Clay rolled his eyes. “Save that kind of advice for Butch.” He then looked down at Vaporeon. “See, Vaporeon, this is how you prostitute yourself!”

“Butchie,” Allison said, looking back at him with sad, pathetic puppy dog eyes, “I’d be really happy if I had TM 16.”

“H-how many?” Butch asked.

“Don’t give the little tramp anything!” screamed Cassidy.

Jesse and James, meanwhile, were critiquing. “Excellent pity look,” said James.

“What?” asked Jesse.

“That look she just gave him. It usually works pretty well.”

Realization struck Jesse. “You give me that look all the time!”

“And you’re much too smart to fall for that, Jess.”

“Damn right I am. As for that outfit.” Jesse grimaced. “I think all of the bells are a bit much.”

James shrugged. “Do you own anything like that?” he asked.

Jesse whacked him with a fan. “Not now! We’ve got to win this contest!”

“Well, what do you say, Butchiekins?” asked Allison.

“What TM do you need again?” Butch asked.

“16,”Allison repeated. “Could I get two of them? And a 13?”

“Butch, we can’t go giving out TMs!” Cassidy snapped.

“Sure,” Butch replied, beaming up at Allison.

Cassidy glared at her partner who was handing Allison everything he had in his pockets, the requested TMs included.

“Thank you, Butchiekins,” Allison said. She leaned forward to kiss Butch’s forehead and strategically thrust her breasts into his face.

“N-n-no problem,” Butch barely managed to reply.

Allison smiled and stood up. “See you later,” she said, winking at him. “Come on, Clay.” She started pulling Clay towards the door. “Time to head out.”

Butch’s eyes narrowed as Allison walked out with her partner. “What does she see in him?” he muttered.

Cassidy glared at him. “What do I see in you?” she asked.

“What’s wrong with freebies?”

“Oh, nothing, Al, I enjoy having the cheapest slut in Team Rocket for my partner!”

“I am not a cheap slut!”

“Yeah, do you know how much all those potions and TMs must’ve cost?”

“Shut up, Vaporeon,” snapped Allison. “And if you had a body like this, you’d use it!”

“My body is much better than that!” snapped Clay. “Although I’ve never seen Butch’s eyes completely glaze over before…”

“I know where I’m doing my Christmas shopping,” said Allison.

“The hell you are!”

“What’s your problem? You hit on my father all the time! Now you know how it feels!”

Clay rolled his eyes. “Yeah, but what if something goes wrong? What if your…obtrusive yahoos screw up the space time continuum and you end up as my mother? You would suck as my mother!”

“If it was going to happen, it would already have happened! And you’d be the suckiest son a mother could screw up the space time continuum to have!”

“I’m a wonderful son! I’d be too good a son for you!”

“Oh really? Just look at you!”

“Who’s the one in skimpy black leather?”

“Who’s the gay one?”

“Why don’t you two put on the rest of your clothes and go play Pokemon Beauty Parlor with the other children?” Vaporeon suggested.

“Jeez, how many times are you and that stupid cat going to do it?” asked Allison, tossing her leather ensemble into the air to reveal her Team Rocket uniform.

Once they were gone, Vaporeon started looking for the fastest way out of the building.

“Well, guys, I’ve got to head back,” said Brock. “I’ve got an important project, and since I’m supposed to be in the Orange Islands anyway…”

“Don’t worry, guys, you’ve still got me!” said Tracey.

Ash and Misty shuddered. “Why don’t you use Venonat’s radar to find someone who gives a damn?” Ash suggested.

Meowth walked down the hall, happily singing to himself “The Bad Touch”, the official pokemon song for people who had just gotten laid. He was on top of the world. Then he looked into a lounge in Team Rocket Headquarters and saw one of the saddest and most pathetic things in his life. He was actually able to see the most, second most, and third most pathetic displays he’d ever seen at the same time: Jesse, James, Butch, Cassidy, Clay, and Allison all giving their pokemon make-overs in the same area. Naturally Jesse and James’ pokemon were used to this kind of crap. Arbok was unflinchingly letting its trainer put eyeliner on it while Weezing looked over various shades of blush. Raticate, Drowzee, Hitmonlee, and Hitmonchan were not as receptive to looking pretty. Raticate had used hyper fang on Cassidy at least twice, Drowzee was hiding under a sofa and occasionally shooting out psybeams, while Clay and Allison were starting regret remembering that they had pokemon that didn’t suck.

“Mon lee!” snapped Hitmonlee, blocking a pair of silver fake eyelashes.

“Hit mon chan!” screamed Hitmonchan as Clay held up a pair of high heels.

“Hitmonchan says dose’ll make him look too gay,” Meowth helpfully translated.

“Wow, pokemon and their trainers do start to look alike,” Allison said, before telling her pokemon, “I’ll buy you some more nutritional supplements!”

“Al, what have I told you about giving them steroids?” snapped Clay. “And Hitmonchan, you’re already wearing a dress! High heels can’t hurt that much!”

“They’re not steroids, they’re just random boxes from GNC.”

“Do I really look too gay?”

Meowth sighed and looked over at his teammates. “What is dis?” he asked.

“There’s a pokemon beauty contest,” Jesse explained.

“So, you’re telling me dat da six most esteemed members of Team Rocket are taking da day off for a poke-beauty pageant?”

“Seven,” James corrected him. “The Boss is entering too.”

The urge to cry—but for new reasons—grew ever stronger for Meowth. At the sound of two people being kicked and punched, Meowth returned his attention to Clay and Allison, both of whom were on the floor, writhing slightly. The words Allison was muttering caused Hitmonlee to join Drowzee under the couch. “Don’t you two have some sickeningly cute pokemon?” Meowth asked.

“This way we could beat the crap out of any competition,” said Clay.

“Not that there will be any,” added Allison.

“Especially once we break that Pikachu kid’s legs…”

“Is dere a cash prize for dis?” Meowth asked the room in general. Jesse, James, Butch, and Cassidy shook their heads. Clay and Allison each tried to pull themselves to their feet by using the other one and fell down again. “Den why?”

“Because, every—“ Jesse was quickly cut off.

“I know why you two are doing it. You’re appearance obsessed, vain bimbos. I’m more curious about Butch and Cassidy.”

Cassidy glared at Jesse. “I just need to remind a certain someone that nothing she has is better than anything of mine,” she said.

“Ahh, dat settles it den.”

“What about us?” asked Clay.

Allison rolled her eyes. “I’m an appearance obsessed, vain bimbo and you’re a screaming queen.”

“That’s a bitter stereotype, Al.” Allison gave him a look. “It doesn’t matter that it’s completely true, it’s still bitter.”

Tracey sighed unhappily and opened up another package of Oreos. Hopefully chocolate would be enough to make him feel better. Ash was brushing Pikachu while Misty was giving Togepi a bath. Since Ash couldn’t avoid any competition and would probably have dragged them to Senior Citizen Bingo Night if he’d seen a flier for it, both Ash and Misty were planning to enter the pokemon beauty pageant. They had both informed Tracey that his venonat was an ugly hair wad, that his scyther was just ugly, and that his marril looked like an obese pikachu so there was no point in him entering. He was about to pick up his sketch pad and draw a few more nasty pictures of Ash’s mom—which he had been mailing to the pokemon master wanna-be for at least a month—when something smacked him upside the head. He turned and saw a vaporeon sitting on a tree branch right above him “Wow, a wild vaporeon!” he exclaimed, starting to draw it.

Vaporeon suddenly realized her plan wasn’t going to be especially effective. Most sensible pokemon trainers would, upon seeing a wild vaporeon, try to catch it. “What’s your name again, piggy?” she asked.

“Wow, a talking vaporeon!” Tracey exclaimed. He continued to draw.

I miss Brock Vaporeon thought sadly. “Piggy! Pay attention! Now, are you entering the pokemon beauty pageant today?”

Tracey shook his head. “No. All my pokemon are ugly and they suck, just like me,” he dutifully repeated.

Vaporeon smiled. “How would you like to borrow a lovely, charming pokemon then?”

Tracey’s face lit up. “Wow! A talking vaporeon with pokemon!” He began drawing furiously.

Vaporeon found herself in this situation because the contest required a human to enter the pokemon in question. While she had two humans at her disposal, she would have beaten them bloody had either one of them suggested that they owned her. And they both had pokemon of their own. So, she needed to find a temporary trainer to sign a few forms and not say much. Tracey could hold a pencil and was fairly docile, making him almost perfect. Brock would have been better, even if Vaporeon would’ve needed to get the vulpix out of the way first. Brock would have been ideal, actually, because he would agree to go anywhere there might be women. It was probably for the best that a continuity shift had returned him to the Orange Islands, just in case Ash had decided to triumph at Senior Citizen Bingo Night instead…

Meowth had gone from disgusted to left out. Not that he didn’t know he was better than the other pokemon in the room, but they all had loving trainers to brush their fur and try to scrape them out from under the furniture. “Cassidy, I think I’m paralyzed,” Butch announced from half under the sofa. “And the damn hitmonlee keeps kicking me!”

“Clefairy!” chirped Clefairy, skipping in the couch direction.

“You don’t need to make friends with them,” Clay told it. “Now get back here. We haven’t finished your nails yet.”

Meowth’s feelings of being left outness quickly returned to disgust when he discovered that there was a third person in the room whose idea of fashionable fit quite nicely with a sane person’s idea of tacky/hideous. Luneon’s ensemble involved glitter and lots of it. The only thing worse was Meowth’s memory of Ekans in a dress and Koffing in a tutu because nothing could possibly be worse than Ekans in a dress and Koffing in a tutu. Luneon was close, especially since she was wearing the silver eyelashes Hitmonlee had wisely turned down.

Arbok and Weezing were examining themselves in a mirror. “James,” said Jesse, as they looked over their pokemon. “You know that little twerp is going to be there.”

James nodded. “And he always wins.”

“We need something that will make sure we can’t lose…”

Her partner smiled an evil smile. “I’ve got just the thing, Jess. Or should I say things…”

Jesse sighed. “James, do any of your plans for winning contests not involve breasts?”

Allison stood up. “That reminds me,” she said. “I’ve got to go get my winnin’ shirt…”

“If you mean your transparent triangle of cloth, I think I burned it,” said Clay.

“It’s not transparent, it’s translucent,” Allison snidely replied. “And I made a new one.”

“Oh, is that where all the Saran Wrap went to?”

“What’s your winnin’ shirt look like?” asked Butch. He was still under the sofa. Cassidy took advantage of the fact that his ass was unguarded and sticking out to kick him. Hard.

“Imagine the smallest piece of cloth you can,” said Clay.

“Uh-huh.”

“Something in the Jennifer Lopez clothing family.”

“Uh-huh.”

“Now imagine that it’s clear and on Allison’s bra-less bosom.”

“Uhh-huh huh…”

Clay turned to Allison, who was now giving him a death stare. “So, what’s the going rate for that mental image?” he asked.

Jesse and Cassidy exchanged a glance, now united by the fact that both of their partners seemed unnecessarily distracted by the image of Allison’s bra-less bosom in a scrap of Saran Wrap. When this topic was later mentioned when no one was around to find any potential corpses, James would argue that he could think about whoever’s bra-less bosom he wanted, drift off into thought about a different bra-less bosom, and get smacked with a fan. Butch would later argue that it had been at least 12 hours since they had last had sex. Once the swelling from the resulting wound died down, Butch would probably have learned a valuable lesson about the opposite sex if he hadn’t started fantasizing again.

“Now,” said Ash. He and Misty were seated at a kitchen table in the latest house they were imposing upon, planning their strategy. “Our main competition is going to come from Team Rocket. So, we have to steal all their pokemon.”

“Ash, isn’t that being exactly like Team Rocket?” asked Misty.

“Togiii!” contributed Togepi. Pikachu rolled his eyes.

“Misty, we have to win! And this time, I’m not taking any chances! My mom is running errands with Professor Oak and we have to get to Team Rocket’s pokemon before they get implants or…whatever Lickitung did.”

Misty smirked. “It lost to me, that’s what it did!”

“Yeah, and you got to get those new dolls you always wanted. And sent them to your sisters,” Ash muttered.

“That was for gloating purposes! If you had brothers or sisters, you’d know a thing or two about gloating, Ash Ketcham!” Misty screamed.

“Are you mentally challenged?” asked Vaporeon. “If you’ll be my trainer for this, I’ll be your pokemon. How hard is that?”

Tracey’s eyes lit up. “Okay! If Ash and Misty will let me.”

“You can’t let them dominate you, Tracey,” said Vaporeon sweetly. “You have me for that now.”

“Yes ma’am.”

There was a disturbing whirring sound outside the window. Suddenly, Team Rocket found its pokemon being dragged towards it, unopened pokeballs included. “Hey!” snapped Jesse, glaring outside.

“What’s happening?” asked James. All six Rockets went to investigate and found Ash, Misty, and Pikachu with a large piece of pokemon capturing machinery..

“A giant magnet that picks up pokemon?” Cassidy asked critically. “That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard of.”

“It’s not dumb!” snapped Jesse.

“It’s brilliant!” added James.

“Tried the same thing?” asked Butch from underneath the couch.

“Yes,” said Jesse.

“And it worked too!” said James.

“At least until that stupid Psyduck came along,” Jesse muttered.

“Well, this time Psyduck won’t be able to screw anything up!” said Misty, throwing back her head and laughing evilly.

“You finally killed it, didn’t you?” asked Allison.

“No!”

Team Rocket, or at least the ones who weren’t paralyzed under furniture by a psychic attack, exchanged a glance and sadly shook their heads. “Poor Psyduck,” said James.

“It didn’t deserve such an awful trainer,” said Jesse.

“Even if it was ugly as all hell,” added Clay.

Ash and Misty looked down at their capture of squirming pokemon. “I call Hitmonchan!” said Ash.

“I call Luneon!” said Misty. “It’s not a water pokemon, but it’s so cute!”

“Misty, don’t you already have an ineffective psychic pokemon to piss you off?” asked Ash.

“Yeah…but once I’m through with it, Luneon won’t be ineffective anymore!” Misty replied with a frightening look in her eyes. Allison buried her face in her hands and began sobbing loudly.

“Okay. I call Arbok.”

“I call Lickitung,” said Misty, fists clenching. “That stupid thing nearly beat me…I’ll show it!”

“I call Hitmonlee.”

“No fair! You already called Hitmonchan!”

“You had plenty of time to call it. Besides, you already have one of Allison’s pokemon to abuse.”

“Before this goes any further, does anyone else have any pokemon left?” asked Cassidy.

Allison wiped her eyes and pulled out a pokeball. “Pichu, I choose you! Finish off the red headed bitch!” she screamed as she threw it.

A little yellow pokemon appeared. “Pichu!” it squeaked.

“Thundershock!” Allison screamed, pointing towards, Ash, Misty, Pikachu, and their contraption of evil. “Thundershock them straight to hell!”

Pichu nodded. “Piichuu!” it growled.

“Wait, what’s going to thundershock us straight to hell?” asked Ash, taking out his pokedex.

“Pichu, the unevolved form of Pikachu,” said Dexter.

“There’s an unevolved form of Pikachu?” asked Ash, looking at his first pokemon, who shrugged.

“Pi pika,” said Pikachu.

Pichu noticed Pikachu sitting on Ash’s shoulder and immediately turned pale. “Pii chu,” it whined to Allison.

“He doesn’t recognize you,” Allison snapped. “And he never will! Just thundershock him! He’ll hardly feel it!” Pichu shook his head.

“Why couldn’t you have brought your ekking?” Clay muttered, taking a nervous step away from his partner.

“Why won’t Pichu obey its trainer?” asked Ash.

“Ha! Who’s the bad trainer now?” Misty laughed, pulling down her lower eyelid.

“Al?” Clay asked nervously. He was trying to debate whether to restrain his partner or hide behind James. “You’re not going to kick anything, are you?”

“No,” said Allison, reaching up and taking off one of her lightning bolt shaped earrings. “I’m going to stab that little bitch’s eyes out since my damn pichu won’t use thundershock!” Before she could lunge out the window at Misty, Allison was tackled from behind by Clay.

“It’s really amazing,” said James as the cat fight broke out. “I’ve never seen Luneon complete a single attack and she never yells at it…”

“Even Jesse’s never tried to stab Misty’s eyes out,” added Meowth.

“I’ve thought about it, of course,” said Jesse.

“Well, of course,” said Cassidy. “I barely see the little bitch and I can’t stand her.”

“In a few more years she might be pretty hot,” said Butch. Cassidy kicked him again.

“Of course, Allison does have more hair to pull,” said James as there was a group wince.

“And her earrings are even bigger than Cassidy’s,” said Jesse.

James flinched. “Of course, Clay does have a little something extra.”

“It’s not little,” Clay whimpered.

Pichu, meanwhile, had wandered over to Ash. “Do you want to come with us?” asked Ash, picking up the little pokemon and laughing.

“Chuu?” asked Pichu, squinting at him. (“Who the hell are you?”)

“Hey, Misty, why do you think Pichu wouldn’t attack Pikachu?” asked Ash.

“If you come anywhere near my luneon, I’ll beat you with your own severed arms,” Allison screamed before Misty could reply. She made a futile attempt at blowing a strand of hair out of her face.

“It’s my luneon now,” said Misty. Clay barely managed to pin his partner to the ground.

Psyduck, in an attempt at heroism, appeared. “Duck!” it announced, leaping into Team Rocket headquarters and wandering over to where Clay and Allison weren’t quite in a bad looking position but coming quite close to it.

“Not now, Psyduck!” shrieked Misty, completely oblivious to the fact that Psyduck wanted to save her from Allison. In case Allison ever managed to squirm free and actually get her air-clawing fingernails onto Misty. “Get back in your pokeball!”

Allison managed to stand up and drew back her foot. “Don’t kick it!” pleaded Clay, still hanging on to her waist. “Remember the last thing you kicked?”

Allison shuddered and settled for swatting Psyduck away with a baseball bat. “Yes! Aim for the head!” cheered Misty.

“Al, could your beserker rage at least help us get out pokemon back?”

“It would if you would let go!”

“I think it’s time to go,” said Ash. “We can figure out why Pichu wouldn’t listen later.”

“And why it wasn’t captured in the first place,” added Misty.

As the twerps’ machine lurched off, four out of six people in the room stared bleakly after it. Jesse and James then looked down at Meowth. “Why weren’t you captured?” asked Jesse.

“Nevermind that,” said James. “It’s the duty of any pokemon left behind to rescue the others!”

“We’ve been on da receiving end of dat enough,” muttered Meowth. “And dat pichu screwed up too!”

Allison was sitting dejectedly on the floor, trying not to cry. “What’s going to happen to them?” she asked.

“Well, that depends on who gets them,” said Clay. “If Ash does, they’ll lead long and happy lives, improve their abilities, and eventually get what’s best for them whether it’s staying with Ash or going off to brighter and better things.”

“And Misty will probably give them daily beatings!” James helpfully supplied.

Allison began sobbing again.

Jesse elbowed her partner. “Aren’t you supposed to be the sensitive one?” she hissed.

James looked at her with large, wounded eyes. “But, Jesse, it’s what Misty would do!”

“It’ll be okay, Al,” said Clay, trying to comfort his partner. “Togepi’s even more worthless than Luneon, and Misty never does anything to it.” He then looked up and glared at James. “Nice going.”

“Don’t yell at him,” said Allison without much energy to it. “He’s right.” She sniffled loudly. “Hell, I think I’d rather have Butch and Cassidy steal my pokemon than have a little psycho like Misty get her hands on them."

“Well, I’m glad someone feels that way,” said Cassidy.

“Oh, aren’t you just the cutest thing!” squealed Misty. She put Togepi down and squeezed Luneon tightly.

“Nee!” whined Luneon, clawing at the air in an attempt to get away.

Togepi frolicked over to the other pokemon. “Eeee!” shrieked Victreebell, swallowing the tiny egg whole.

“Okay, now, let’s divide them up!” said Ash. “I called Hitmonchan, Arbok, and Hitmonlee.”

“And I called Luneon, Lickitung, and…” Misty thought for a moment. “Victreebell.”

They both looked over at Pichu, who was happily talking to Pikachu. “Who gets Pichu?” Misty asked.

“Well, since Pikachu seems to like it so much, I think I should get it,” said Ash.

“Fine. As long as I get Clefairy,” Misty agreed. Clefairy whimpered and tried to hide behind Luneon.

“All right, the first thing we have to do is find the twerps,” said Jesse.

“And it doesn’t look like anything is going to conveniently let us follow them the way they always manage to do to us,” said James.

“I say we split up,” said Cassidy.

Butch laughed knowingly. “So, you hungry for it too, Cassie? Ow!”

“Now, are we actually going to look, or are you going to go off in a corner to cry?” Clay asked his partner.

Allison stood up, posing dramatically. “We’re going to get my secret weapon! Because if Brock’s with them, all I’ll need is my winnin’ shirt!”

“Oh god…”

“Can I come?” asked Butch. He was kicked yet again. “Dammit Cassidy!”

Cassidy smiled. “Thanks,” she mouthed to Allison, who was now standing behind Butch.

“No problem,” Allison silently replied, giving Butch another swift kick.

“Ooo! Can I try?” asked Clay.

“I’m next after Clay!” James said giddily.

“You are all dead,” muttered Butch.

Jesse, meanwhile had changed from boots to high heels. “I’m starting to feel better already!” she said.

“At least Allison would never betray me…right, Allison?”

“Mmm, of course not, Butchkins,” said Allison, stepping aside so Cassidy could take especially careful aim.

“So, what do I have to do?” asked Tracey.

“Just stand there and look relatively intelligent,” said Vaporeon. She looked him over. “Well, as intelligent as possible.” They both turned at the sound of maniacal laughter. “And what are the other twerps up to?”

Tracey shrugged. “I don’t know. They never tell me anything.”

“I know something that would cheer us up!” James said brightly as they walked down the road, hoping to stumble across a vital clue. Jesse and Meowth both looked at him. “Theme days! You know, where we could all dress up a certain way?”

Being one of the two people who wore anything and also one of two people who wore a uniform, Jesse felt obligated to ask, “For example?”

“Well, we could have silly hat days. And, of course, Braless Thursdays!”

Jesse hit him with a frying pan. “I’m the only one here who wears a bra!”

“Dat would go nicely with Bondage Tuesdays and Drag Wednesdays,” added Meowth. He was also hit with the frying pan.

James liked to consider himself a fairly reasonable person. That was why he suggested a compromise. “I could wear one of your bras every day except Braless Thursdays…”

Jesse hit him again. “Stay away from my clothes!”

James sniffled. “But your clothes are so much prettier than mine,” he said in a quiet, hurt voice.

“I don’t care! I’m the only one who’s allowed to wear my clothes!”

“Cheer up, James,” said Meowth. “You can wear Jesse’s clothes on Drag Wednesdays.”

James immediately brightened. “Can I, Jesse?”

“No,” Jesse said through clenched teeth. “And stop stealing my underwear.”

“Tracey did it. He wants to capture the way he’s an Oak loving drag queen homo.”

Jesse gave her partner a look. “You mean he’s like you?”

James pouted. “I don’t draw naked Titanic style pictures of Professor Oak!” A few minutes later he remembered something else. “And I’m not gay!”

“Oh really? What about the way you were leering at Clay?”

“I wasn’t leering! I wasn’t even looking!”

“Are you sure you don’t want to sleep with him?”

“Yes…”

“You’re positive?”

Something in Jesse’s tone sounded a bit off. “Do you want me to?” James asked.

Jesse blushed. “No…I mean, it’s your life,” she said, struggling to figure out which denial was most important to make.

“Dis wouldn’t have anything to do with da stack of gay porn I found under someone’s bed, would it?” asked Meowth, calmly examining his claws.

Blushing even more, Jesse snapped, “Why were you looking under James’ bed?”

“My bed?” James squealed. “Do we even have beds to look under?”

“No, you have sleeping bags dat’re too close together for common decency for my taste,” said Meowth. “Making it a very bad hiding place, Jessica.”

“Ooo! Jesse has yaoi!” Another epiphany clicked in James’ head. “What is it with you and porn?”

“Yeah, Jesse, you seem ta have quite the collection,” added Meowth. “So quit complaining about my hentai!”

Jesse glared at him. “That’s different,” she said. “You have dirty porn. Mine is all ‘artistic nudity.’”

James continued to stare wide eyed at his teammates. “You’re both sexual deviants!” he said.

Jesse and Meowth both gave him a look. “Boxers, briefs, or one of Jesse’s thongs?” asked Meowth.

“One of Jesse’s thongs,” said James, looking at the ground.

“And I’m a sexual deviant,” muttered Jesse.

“And you are…?” Meowth asked.

“Going commando,” Jesse replied, also looking at the ground.

James made several high pitched noises of elation. Meowth shuddered. “Weren’t we supposed to be doing something?”

“Planning theme days?” suggested James. Today could be Jesse and James Go Off in a Corner and Fuck Day he and Jesse thought in unison.

“We’re supposed to be looking for our pokemon,” Jesse reminded him.

“I think our plan should involve ladders,” said James. “Or tree climbing.”

“Fine. You can climb up first.”

Meowth wrinkled where his nose would have been. “Blech! I don’t want ta see dat!”

Elsewhere, another team found its productivity severely hindered. While Clay and Allison both agreed that a member of Allison’s family should wear garments consisting of about 38 inches of string and a small swath of black cloth, Clay felt that family member should be James while Allison believed it should be her. Allison had won this argument, for she was currently sporting her new “winnin’ shirt.” The winnin’ shirt didn’t guarantee victory, especially if there were female judges involved, but it didn’t hurt. Clay’s dilemma was finding the thin line between constructive criticism and pissing Allison off. Allison was not a good person to piss off since she came from a family that was known for bad tempers. While Jesse was obviously short tempered and dangerous when angry, James was the one who was notorious for kicking defenseless animals that evolved, got really pissed off, and tried to kill things. It was also not a bad idea to piss Allison off now since two of her three pokemon were now in the clutches of Misty, notorious pokemon abuser. “Are we out of dental floss?” Clay asked.

“No, there’s just enough left to make my winnin’ thong,” was Allison’s sarcastic reply.

“Ooo, can you make me one?”

“You just like having things in your ass.”

“Ha ha, please put a real shirt on.”

“No. I’m turning Ash Klepto in to the cops.”

“Who’re female.”

Allison rolled her eyes. “Have you seen her with Nurse Joy?”

“Al, you are such a closet homophobe. You automatically assume that a strong, dominating woman with a position of power is a lesbian.” Their eyes met. “And yeah, I think they’re sleeping together too. But I’m sick of the negative stereotypes! Where are the positive gay figures in this community?”

“Well, there’s you…who drugged a guy who wouldn’t sleep with you—“

“He just needs more persuasion. And he took advantage of me when he was drugged!”

“There’s Tracey…maybe. Unless he just really likes Professor Oak…”

“And there’s the Bimbo Dyke Brigade. Super.”

Allison shrugged. “It’s not like we have any intelligent straight people,” she said. “There’s the twerp, but I still say he’s after Gary…”

“Come on, Al, he and nasty-hair twerpette are going to have a fairy tale wedding. Accept it.”

“There’s Brock who isn’t really wanted on either team,”

“Oh, I’m sure we could dress him up nice.”

“There’s the nasty haired twerpette who’s just icky, there’s my mom and dad and your mom and dad, all of whom are perpetually horny…” Clay and Allison both shuddered.

“I don’t understand it,” said Clay. “Were they ever not horny?”

“We’re the same age they are now, and we aren’t constantly…” Allison trailed off, remembering the Grey Squad’s theme day: Yaoi Saturdays. “Okay, bad example. But moving on, I’d say Giovanni was on my team, but…”

“The man’s an unclassifiable deviant. Next.”

“There’s Professor Oak who’s slept with every woman over twenty-five, there’s Mrs. Ketcham who…” Allison grimaced. “Well…”

“Exactly,” said Clay. “And then there’s you. Our token pitiful fag-hag.”

“You can’t be pitiful if no one pities you,” Allison replied, giving him a pointed look.

“We are not having pity sex.”

“Who said anything about sex? I need to borrow some more money.”

“Get it from Butch. I’m broke.” A sudden burst of thunder made them both look towards the window. “I’m glad we decided to stay here and wait for ransom notes.”

Ash and Misty, while now in possession of more pokemon than they had ever dreamed of and competition free for the Beauty Pageant that night, found themselves with another problem. They were in a house with eleven extra pokemon, many of whom had no pokeballs, who were afraid of thunder and lightning. Drowzee and Raticate were hiding under the bed and refusing to let anyone else join or come near them. Pikachu, who shouldn’t have been afraid of an electricity based storm, had vanished at the first sound of thunder, quickly followed by Luneon, Clefairy, and Pichu. Arbok was coiled up in a corner and Weezing was hovering nervously back and forth. Ash found himself very glad that Hitmonlee, Hitmonchan, and Lickitung were still in their pokeballs. Victreebell spit out Togepi and went to look for something else to eat.

“I found them, Ash!” Misty called.

“Chuu…” whimpered Pikachu. He was hiding behind the toilet with the other three Pokemon. Pichu was holding his paw tightly.

“Neee!” Luneon howled.

Ash and Misty exchanged a glance. They had absolutely no idea how to handle this. “What’s wrong with Luneon?” asked Misty.

Bluish sparks were hovering around Luneon’s head and its fur was standing on end. Of course, so was Pikachu, Pichu, and Clefairy’s fur, but none of them were glowing slightly. “I wish Brock was here,” said Ash. “He’d probably give us a long monologue on…uhm, this.”

Misty nodded. “You’re right. Should I go get Diet Brock?”

“Kenjii!” yelled Ash. “Get in here! We need you to figure something out!”

Tracey appeared almost immediately. “What’s up?” he asked.

“Something’s wrong with Luneon,” said Misty.

“Hmmm…” Tracey said thoughtfully. “Luneon’s the psychic eevee evolution, right? I remember drawing an Abra one time…and Abra’s are generally controlled by the trainer by telepathy…”

“Do you think it’s trying to talk to its trainer?” asked Misty.

“Probably. But I’ve never seen Allison exhibit any signs of psychic ability,” said Tracey. “Or her luneon. Why do you have her luneon?”

“It’s not her Luneon,” said Ash.

“It’s one we found,” said Misty.

“Oh, okay,” said Tracey. “I don’t think a luneon is as evolved as an abra so it probably couldn’t speak in actual words anyway.” Luneon glared at him. If she’d had lips, she might have even managed a pout. Then there was more thunder, causing her to scream and hide behind Clefairy.

“Fairy,” said Clefairy, patting Luneon on the head.

Team Rocket was huddled underneath a tree, completely drenched. “I hate rain,” muttered Jesse, looking at her limp hair. James was looking at her jacket, which was plastered to her chest the way his one stray strand of hair was plastered to his face. “And there’s still no sign of the twerps!” Jesse continued, tossing her hair over her shoulder and hitting James in the face.

“I hate rain!” Meowth screamed. He was very damp and very unhappy.

“Do we have any painkillers?” asked Allison, massaging her temples.

“We’re out of morphine,” said Clay. “Headache? It could be that shirt.”

Allison glared at him. “Clay, two more comments about my shirt and I’m going to do…” Allison posed dramatically, nearly disrobing the upper half of her body, “the Dance of Shame!”

“Al, please no…” Clay pleaded, obediently dropping to his knees for begging purpose. “I’ll be good.”

“Find me some tylenol or I’ll bend over.”

“Yes’m.”

“Extra strength.”

“Here, Psyduck,” said Misty, pushing him into the bathroom. “You go calm down Luneon. After all, you two are practically the same type!”

“Yeah, crappy!” said Ash, laughing. “I’m glad my specialty isn’t pokemon that su-aauuughh!!”

“Your specialty is being a moron, Ash Ketcham,” said Misty. Having kicked him where it hurts and adding insult to injury, Misty decided to go watch Tracey. He’d been acting suspicious.

“Psy?” asked Psyduck.

“Looo!” said Luneon, coming out from behind Clefairy. “Neeee?”(“Where’s Drowzee?”)

“Psy-yi?”(“Am I Drowzee?”)

“Nee!”(“No!”) Being in a particularly bad mood, Luneon swatted him with a paw. After living with Misty, Psyduck barely blinked. “Neeee neee luneeeon neee looo onnn neee!”(“Look, you stupid duck, I hate thunderstorms, I’ve been kidnapped, I’ve been sending out psychic messages for an hour and my damn trainer still won’t listen to me!”) Luneon paused for breath, then stalked closer to Psyduck.

“Pika pika-pika pi?” Pikachu whispered to Clefairy. (“Is she always this much of a bitch?”)

“Neeon!” Luneon barked at him.(“Shut up!”) “Neee!”(“I was an eevee before you were even born!”)

“Clefairy clefairy, cle--” Clefairy pointed out. (“Actually, Luneon, even though you’re older, Pikachu was still—“)

“Neeeee!” screamed Luneon, several bolts of psychic energy exploding from her and singeing the ceiling.(“I don’t care!”)

“What’s this?” asked Misty.

“It’s this talking vaporeon I found!” Tracey excitedly explained.

Vaporeon looked at him as if completely baffled. “Por?” Her ears twitched as she heard the bathroom mirror explode.

“Clefairy!”

“Piichu!”

“Pikaaa!!”

“Psy-yi-yi!”

Tracey and Misty both turned towards the sound. “Does that have anything to do with the luneon you found?” he asked.

“Luneon? What the hell’s going on here?” asked Vaporeon.

Luneon chose that moment to enter. She was surrounded by a psychic shield that had bits of glass stuck in it. She paused, startled by the sight of Vaporeon. Her shield collapsed, causing bits of mirror to fall to the floor. “Neeeeon?”

“What do you mean, what am I doing here?”

“Neee?”(“Were you kidnapped too?”)

“Kidnapped?” Vaporeon glared at Misty, who started slinking out of the room. She froze the trainer’s ankles with an ice beam.

“Neeee,” said Luneon.(“I need to find Drowzee.”)

Vaporeon stared at her. “Are you sure you’re Allison’s luneon?” she asked. “Aren’t you normally running into walls or tripping over your own feet.”

Luneon scowled. “Nee on nee.”(“I’m having a bad day.”)

“What do you want Drowzee for? Interpretive dance?”

“Neeeeon neee looo.”(“I have to find Allison and I’m not strong enough to reach her myself.”)

Vaporeon smirked. “Oh, you need to be rescued?”

“Neee!”(“I’ve got a beauty pageant to win!”) Luneon posed. “Luneon!”(“Because I’m the prettiest pokemon here!”) She was just about to look for Drowzee when Vaporeon leapt in front of her.

“I’m afraid I can’t let you do that,” said Vaporeon.

Luneon blinked several times. “Nee—“(“But—“)

“I’m the pretty one here, bitch, and you’d better remember it! Vaporeon, water gun!”

“Neeeeonnn!”(“Clefairy, help me!”)

Vaporeon laughed, then hit Luneon with a water gun blast powerful enough to knock the smaller pokemon into a wall.

Misty stared, impressed. “That was practically a hydro blast,” she said.

“Where’s your Clefairy now?” Vaporeon sneered. “Clay and Allison had the right idea—this is the only way to get rid of the competition!”

“This is…weird,” said Tracey.

“Chaarrrbok!” said Arbok from the doorway.(“Allison’s going to skin you.”)

Vaporeon shrugged. “So? I’m still prettier than this pathetic eevee.”

“I can’t believe Meowth volunteered to keep looking,” said Jesse.

“Mm. It probably has something to do with the fact that there are buildings to hide in just up the road,” said James. He and Jesse were still huddled under a tree.

“Which one of my thongs are you wearing?” asked Jesse.

“The pink one.”

Jesse bit her lip. “Is that a tool shed over there?” she asked, squinting through the heavy downpour.

James nodded. “I think so.”

Jesse grabbed his hand and pulled him towards it. “There must be rare pokemon inside!”

“Jesse, it’s a tool shed…” She gave him a look. “Ooo!”

“Want some of my gel?” asked Clay. Allison’s hair was starting to frizz in a disturbing manner. “How’s the headache?”

“I think I know where our pokemon are,” said Allison. Her eyes were glowing slightly. “Go get Butch and Cassidy. The four of us should be able to find Jesse and James.”

Butch, meanwhile, was trying his persuasive powers. “Come on, Cassie,” he said. “I’m already naked. We might as well—“

“I told you, Butch, I’m sick of you leering at that Allison girl,” Cassidy snapped. “It’s either her or me.”

“Cassie, you can see how I feel about you!”

Cassidy rolled her eyes. “That doesn’t mean anything.” God, there has to be some way to shut him up! Still, he’s not bad looking…and besides, I can always dump him once I’ve found someone else. “You’re right. It would be a shame if you had to put clothes on now.”

Things had just gotten incriminating when the door opened. “Allison says she knows where…” Clay trailed off then started emitting a high pitched, traumatized for life noise.

“This had better be important,” said Butch.

“He said Allison knows where our pokemon are,” said Cassidy. “Put your damn uniform on and let’s go.”

Head still throbbing, Allison looked down and found Clay whimpering slightly and fear hugging her. “What?”

“They were having sex!” he wailed, pointing to Butch and Cassidy.

“Oh, I’m sure that was just foreplay,” Allison said.

“That’s not any better!”

After a pointless and uninteresting search, Butch, Cassidy, Clay and Allison were standing outside a tool shed that definitely seemed to be a rockin’. Clay pushed his partner towards the door. “You go in,” he said.

“Why? Don’t you want to see James near naked?”

“Al, seeing Butch naked caused any part of my anatomy that would be interested in that sort of thing to shrivel up and hide. It’s your turn now!”

Allison shuddered, mostly just at the mental image, and opened the door. Jesse and James stared at her innocently for a moment. “Don’t use that look on me!” Allison snapped, relieved that Jesse was still wearing her skirt and bra at least and that James was still wearing pants. She was less relieved to find that they were on the verge of remedying the fact that they were still so dressed. “The only way that look is being used is if I use it on you! And we all know you’re up to something!”

“Eight inches!” said James.

“Aughh!!” Allison collapsed into a small, traumatized heap.

“Hot damn!” exclaimed Clay, poking his head in through the door. “Can I join in?”

“I thought you were scarred for life,” muttered Allison, shivering slightly.

“And I thought you were going to put a real shirt on. Oops! Both wrong!”

“My head hurts and I feel sick. Can we find our damn pokemon?”

“What’s going on in here?”

“Brock!” cheered Misty and Ash.

“I forgot…something,” Brock said cryptically, which meant that it was probably something younger viewers weren’t supposed to know about, like his Cindy Rocket blow-up love doll. “Ash, did you and Misty steal all of Team Rocket’s pokemon so you could win the beauty pageant?” Ash and Misty nodded sheepishly. “Even though Team Rocket’s evil, they’ve got some hot chicks who are probably really sad to have lost their pokemon.”

“Allison did seem pretty upset,” said Ash. “And she’s not bad looking…”

“By stealing her pokemon, you’re no better than Team Rocket.”

“You’re right! Now how can we return them with a minimum of pain?”

Just then, Jesse kicked in the door. “We want our pokemon back,” she said.

“You can have them,” said Ash.

“We’re sorry we took them,” said Misty.

“I think you two have learned a valuable le-le-hi, my name is Brock,” said Brock, his eyes locked on Allison’s sodden scrap of chestal fabric. “You’re the prettiest Team Rocket ho I’ve ever seen…”

“Just give me my Luneon, my Pichu, and my Hitmonlee,” snapped Allison.

“Yes, ma’am!” said Brock, scurrying off to do her bidding.

“And if you’re prompt about it, I’ll bend over.”

Jesse threw off her jacket and shirt, revealing a sequined bikini top. Butch and James both made several small noises of appreciation. Cassidy kicked her partner in the shins. “Oh, Brock?” Jesse called.

“I’ll help you!” Ash volunteered, his eyes slightly glazed over. He handed her a pokeball. “Here’s Lickitung! And Arbok’s watching Vaporeon fight Luneon.”

“What?” asked Allison, eyes narrowing.

Misty looked at Tracey, who was happily sketching. “Trying to capture the way you’re a horny little perv?” she asked. “You’re not a pokemon watcher at all!”

“Yes I am! Jesse and Allison both have pokemon!”

Once all of Team Rocket’s pokemon had been returned to them, the two groups set off for the beauty pageant. Allison was glaring at Vaporeon.

“What? At least now the little wretch is clean,” said Vaporeon.

All trainers were required to leave their pokemon backstage and watch from the audience. Ash dropped off Pikachu, Misty dropped off Togepi, Brock leered at the woman in charge before dropping off Vulpix, Tracey sulked because Vaporeon refused to have anything to do with him, Jesse dropped off Arbok, James dropped off Weezing, Butch and Cassidy dropped off Drowzee since Raticate was ugly enough to scare children both large and small, Clay dropped off Clefairy, and Allison dropped off Luneon.

As he sat in the audience, thinking about the fact that Jesse was naked under her clothes, James realized that it had been wrong to steal her thong. He decided that he needed to give it back to her sometime soon. In a dark room. Of course, stealing Jesse’s thong was a very naughty thing, so giving it back with an apology wasn’t enough. He was a very bad boy and needed to be punished. As he thought about it, he decided that a good spanking would probably teach him a lesson.

Clay, meanwhile, was thinking about the winnin’ shirt and wishing it was dead. Of course, it had taken a good deal of twine, so it probably deserved an eternal reward. For example, he could steal it from Allison and give it to James. James would naturally wear it a bit lower. The feeble scrap of cloth would probably be enough to just barely cover James’ ample masculine endowments. Just barely.

Jesse, on the other hand, was trying to think of ways to avenge her raped thong. The best torture would probably be to drag James into an enclosed room, strip him down, then let Clay do whatever he wanted with him. Clay probably wouldn’t need too much persuading, and James would probably put up a nice show of squirming and protesting. Especially if she brought out one of the roses…

Meowth wasn’t joining the others by having a dirty internal monologue. Instead, he was just wishing that the narrator would stop taking hentai breaks every three paragraphs. He was also hoping that it wasn’t time for another casual sex moment so the plot wouldn’t get too complicated.

Butch looked at his watch. Fifteen hours since he and Cassidy had last had sex. He started thinking about Saran Wrap again.

Cassidy, noticing the watch looking and wishing she had a letter opener handy, glanced over at James. Now there was a man you could believe in love power with. Or on. There were probably some very interesting things you could do with roses.

Allison, who wished she could use her watch to calculate the last time she’d gotten any, was, strangely enough, thinking of home. Specifically, taking a nice bubble bath. While one dark haired nubile young man brushed her hair and a buff little blonde painted her toenails.

All six members of Team Rocket stood up as one and informed whoever they were with, “I have to go to the bathroom,” before scurrying out the door. Meowth buried his face in his hands and cried. He was starting to wish he’d been anywhere instead of left at the Hormone Rodeo without a rapidash. He looked over at Vaporeon who had curled up in a little ball on her seat and gone to sleep. Meowth then went back to crying.

In the unisex bathroom, there was an awkward situation. Amazingly, there were only two people there. They were looking nervously at each other. “Give me the time machine and you can have this place all to yourself,” said Allison.

“Weren’t you lusting after someone here?” asked Clay, reluctantly handing it over.

“We all have needs, Clay.” Allison typed in the date she wanted. “Besides, it’s not like he’d be jealous.”

“It’s not like he wants you to catch anything, either.”

Allison stuck her tongue out at him. “I think I know what I’m doing.”

Clay sighed as she vanished. Someday they were probably going to have to talk about their relationship while sober…He then began calculating. Since Allison had the time machine, she could theoretically return a minute after she left, meaning that she could walk in right as…he shuddered.

Jesse, meanwhile, was dragging her partner towards the prop room. “This is going to be the bad kind of props, isn’t it?” asked James, childhood memories of a fiancée and her scary sex toys coming to mind. ”Here, sugah, let me show you the proper way to be blindfolded!

Jesse rolled her eyes. “James, I told you. If anyone asks, we’re only looking in the prop room to see if there’s rare pokemon inside.”

“But aren’t most of the rare pokemon going to be backstage?”

Jesse sighed. She was starting to understand why James wasn’t appreciating her beauty in the “bringing her flowers” way. She was currently amazed that she could even maintain a physical relationship with someone who didn’t know the meaning of…well, a lot of things. “Yes, James. But that means that some even rarer ones are probably in the prop room.”

“Okay!”

Jesse opened the door and dragged him inside, then locked it. She needed to remember to lock more doors to prevent future discovery mishaps. Quite conveniently, there was a couch in the middle of the room. A bit of exploration informed her that it had a hyda-bed. Smiling, Jesse said to her partner, “James, look at the hyda-bed. Maybe there’s rare pokemon inside.”

James stared at her. “Wouldn’t we see them?”

Jesse grabbed him by the wrist, dragged him over to the bed, and pushed him onto it. “Maybe you didn’t hear me, James. I said, maybe there’s rare pokemon inside.”

“Ooo!”

“Now, give me back my damn thong or I’m going to do something unspeakable.”

“You promise?”

Butch and Cassidy returned to their seats and sat down, both of them scowling. “Trouble in paradise?” asked Meowth.

“Someone said the wrong name,” said Cassidy.

“Ya want me to rip his crotch out for you?” Meowth offered.

“I can help,” said Vaporeon.

“It could happen to anyone,” muttered Butch.

“How could you even tell with his voice?” asked Vaporeon.

“Good point,” said Meowth. “And any guesses on where Jesse and James are?”

“Didn’t you know they were up to no good when they left?”

“Yeah, but it breaks their spirits more if I find ‘em once it gets icky.”

In the back row, a pair of big blue eyes lit up. There was a stage. With lights. They’d obviously prepared for her.

Thirty years later, Allison was enjoying man’s finest invention: the Holodeck. “What color?” asked the buff little blonde who was going to be painting her toenails.

“Rich Girl Red,” said Allison, tossing him the bottle. “And you can keep brushing,” she told the brown eyed stud behind her.

“Yes ma’am,” they said.

“I love holodecks,” she sighed happily.

The door slid open. “Oh, sorry,” Capone, another fairly generic Team Rocket agent stammered. He pushed his bangs out of his blue eyes, preparing to haul ass out the door.

Allison smiled. “Don’t worry about it. I should’ve locked the door. Computer, get me a damn towel.” One appeared. Allison took it, then stood up, quickly wrapping it around herself. “Didn’t I walk in on you once?”

“Uh-huh, how’s Clay?” Capone quickly asked, hoping Allison wouldn’t remember the details of what she had walked in on. He hoped she didn’t remember these details because they had involved a computerized, bustier version of Allison with Miyamoto style pig tails.

“He’s fine.” Allison’s chances of remembering that incident were slim to none since she was hoping that Capone wouldn’t remember the details of a certain Truth or Dare game they had been playing during training. “How’ve you been?” Allison was suddenly very conscious of the fact that she was wearing a towel. A small towel because the computer seemed to be in a spiteful mood. And this did not seem to be a good time to test her quick change abilities to see if they worked with towels.

“I’m okay,” Capone replied. He was trying very hard not to be conscious of the fact that Allison was wearing a towel. “Still don’t have a partner yet.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah…”

“Well, you should find somebody.” Allison was now not only conscious of the fact that she was wearing a towel, but that she had spent a lot of time during training with Capone. In non Truth or Dare situations. Generally wearing more clothing than she had on now. “I mean, I’d offer but…I’ve kind of got…I’m with…” Good phrasing, Allison. Very nice work. “Well, you know, Clay…”

“How are things with you two?” asked Capone, a nice, fairly innocuous question that in Team Rocket required careful phrasing to answer.

Allison wasn’t a careful phrasing person. “Well, he’s gay, I’m female, so that kind of keeps the Jesse-Jamesing to a minimum.”

Speaking of Jesse-Jamesing, “something unspeakable” had turned out to be tickling. It would have been a stupid and innocent thing if not for the fact that Jesse and James were essentially horizontal and rolling around on a bed. It was made even less innocent by the fact that James had chosen the “try to get away” tactics involving pawing at the person tickling you in the hopes of brushing up against something good and squirming away so the person tickling you had a better chance of accidentally grabbing something of yours.

Jesse was especially proud of herself. This time she’d managed to get his jacket off. Normally she could only get his gloves and maybe his boots off. The jacket was over in the corner with his boots, his left glove, and her jacket. Jesse wasn’t quite sure how her jacket had ended up on the floor. James had probably used his teeth again. She pinned him, holding his shoulders down and hovering over the rest of his body. “Are you going to give me back my thong now?” she asked.

“No.”

“Looks like I’m going to have to get it myself,” said Jesse, starting to take off his black T-shirt. They both started giggling like school girls again.

“Now, dere’s an art to knowing when to break up frisky humans,” said Meowth. “Which you, naturally, wouldn’t understand.” Vaporeon rolled her eyes. “Timing is everything. I personally like to wait until dey’ve been lulled into a false sense of security, think dey’re going to get away with it, and will spend da rest of da day twitching slightly and hugging for no reason if you interrupt dem.”

“Just like a cat,” said Vaporeon. “Although it explains a lot…”

“Well, Jesse and James are always hugging for no reason anyway, da horny bastards…still, it’s best to wait until it’ll scare dem da most. Dey expect to be stopped within da first few minutes. Depending on how long it takes for me ta notice dey’re gone.”

“You know,” said Vaporeon. “I’d be a lot happier if mine did hook up. It’d be a lot less bitching that I’d have to hear.”

“Oh, I don’t care if dey hook up or not. In fact, I want dem to get dis love crap out in da open since I can’t take another Valentine’s Day of ‘Boo-hoo, any other day we’d hump every fifteen minutes but today we’re going to sit around and whine because we have no one other dan da person we were humping yesterday!’” Meowth was now twitching slightly. “I can’t take any more of deir damn casual humping!”

“You want casual humping?” asked Vaporeon. She was smirking and trying not to laugh. “Let me fill you in on a little secret—I sneak rare candy into Clay and Allison’s food. They’ve broken half of our dishes, but it’s funny as hell.”

Meowth shuddered. “I don’t need rare candy.”

“Well, obviously. Jesse and James are probably getting it on right now and Al’s probably gone back to the future to do sick, depraved things in a Holodeck while Clay’s probably fantasizing about James in the unisex bathroom.”

“Why don’t dey both go back to the future and use separate Holodecks?”

“Clay’s not too bright when he’s desperate.”

The pair of large blue eyes was now watching from the wings, ready to make her grand entrance. She decided to wait until the other half of the audience came back.

“But let me know how the search goes, okay?” said Allison, blushing furiously as she walked backwards towards her clothes.

“Sure,” said Capone, also blushing. “Computer, end—“

“Wait, I—“

“--program.”

Allison watched hopelessly and Capone watched with growing optimism about fate’s opinion towards him as Allison’s towel dissolved with the program she had been running. “Oh well,” she said, trying to walk while keeping her hands in key places. She managed to grab a glove. That helped. Sort of.

“Sorry,” Capone said sheepishly. “Look, if it makes you feel better…” He started to take off his jacket.

“That’s okay,” Allison said as his white jacket hit the floor. He started taking off the black turtleneck he wore underneath it. “I’ve got to get going and...and…nice abs…”

“Thanks…” He unbuckled his belt. “If you’ve got to go back to work, I was just…I mean…”

“I have a time machine,” Allison said quickly. “No matter when I leave, I can get back the same time I left.”

“Really?” asked Capone, stopping for a moment.

“Yes. Computer, give me something to wear. Thanks,” she said sarcastically as another towel appeared. “Let me help you with that,” she said as she wrapped the towel around herself.

Clay jumped at the sound of singing. Not that he’d been doing anything for fear that his partner would come back. He zipped up anyway, just so she wouldn’t get the impression that he’d been doing anything. “Enter you/Voila it’s showtime!” sang Allison as she reappeared, this time wearing her Team Rocket uniform. “Hello, Clay!”

“Hello, Allison,” said Clay. “Gordan?”

“Holodeck bubble bath,” Allison replied.

Clay raised an eyebrow. “Al, that’s not your ‘bubble bath, studs brushed my hair’ voice. This is your ‘I got some ass’ voice. Now, names?”

“Remember Capone?”

“Truth or Dare guy? From like two years ago?”

Allison grinned at him. “He’s much cuter now.”

“Details, you treacherous harpy, details!”

“Not now, dearie. We’ve got a beauty pageant to watch!”

Clay pouted. “But I wanna hear about the cute boy.”

“I told you, later.”

As they walked back towards the auditorium, Clay asked, “So…how long were you there?”

Allison checked his watch. “Fifteen minutes.”

“Cute. You know what I mean.”

“Fine.” Allison checked her watch. “Whoa…”

Clay grabbed her wrist and looked. “Holy…you little minx!”

“We talked for most of it.”

“And?”

“Third,” Allison said as they sat down.

Vaporeon winked at Meowth. “But the most important part of human breeding is persistence,” she said.

“Not with him,” said Allison.

“Details!” said Vaporeon.

“He has really nice hair.”

“Ooo!”

“I have nice hair,” Clay said, mostly to himself.

Back in the props room, Jesse had reached the point where she was ready to say the hell with quasi-harmless games and get down to the heavy duty making out. This was mostly because James had managed to get her shirt off. Using only his mouth. It had joined the pile of clothing with her gloves and his right glove. The fact that she’d been going commando for most of the day wasn’t helping. Nor was the fact that their tryst in the tool shed had been interrupted. “Last chance,” she said, tossing his belt over her shoulder. It landed in a box of artificial flowers. “Surrender now, or prepare to fight,” she added, lowering her voice. James’ only response was to playfully snarl at her. Cackling under her breath, Jesse unbuttoned his pants. “James, why do you have to make everything so difficult?”

“Sorry, Jesse,” James said meekly. He sounded especially weak because most of his effort was going into not lunging. Generous person that he was, he’d decided that if Jesse wanted to strip him naked, he should let her. “I know I’ve been very bad.” He managed to pout while giving her his most pathetic look.

Jesse managed to get his pants off. She wasn’t quite sure since part of her brain kept shrieking at her to jump him. She stepped off the bed, chucked his pants into a corner, and started taking off her boots. “Stand up,” she said. He stood across from her, barely managing to keep his “kicked puppy” look from turning into a knowing smirk. “I can’t believe you stretched out my thong!”

James had a feeling that he was supposed to say something. Since Jesse was now very slowly pulling the thong off, fingers deliberately brushing against his hips as she did so, the best reply he could come up with was, “Uh-huh…”

Once her thong had been liberated, Jesse turned and, keeping her eyes on her now nude partner the entire time, slipped it on herself. “What am I going to do with you?” she asked, walking over to him and putting her arms around his neck. “And just try to steal my thong now,” she whispered in his ear.

That was a definite challenge. James was able to figure that out as they kissed, hands already starting to wander, his starting to go to work on Jesse’s bra. Bras were fickle things. They were always so much easier to get off when he was wearing them...

“Jigglypuff!” Jigglypuff chirped, jumping onto the stage, microphone/black marker in hand.

“Aaaahhh!” screamed Ash, Misty, Brock, Tracey and Meowth. “It’s Jigglypuff!”

Clay and Allison, on the other hand, both reached for pokeballs, then glared at each other. “Come on, Al,” said Clay. “You’ve already got three pokemon!”

“So what?” his partner replied. “You’ve got a clefairy!”

“Is there a law saying you can’t have a clefairy and a jigglypuff?”

“Yes! You’ll exceed your sissy pokemon quotient.”

“Puff!” snapped Jigglypuff, inflating in anger. This was obviously going to be a three marker day.

“Well, Al, if that’s true, your stinkin’ Luneon puts you over the top!”

“My luneon is butcher than your clefairy!”

“But it’s still a pansy! Just like your pansy pichu!”

Brock looked at his watch. “I think I’d better be getting back to the Orange Islands. You know, since I think I already left for there,” he said. “Professor Ivy knows this really great trick with her—“ Brock was—thankfully—cut off by Ash, Misty, and Pikachu hugging his knees.

“Brock, you can’t leave!” wailed Ash.

“Tracey draws pictures of us naked!” added Misty.

“Pika!” whined Pikachu from the stage.

“Wait, us?” asked Ash.

Jigglypuff decided that this was a damn fine time to sing. Mostly out of spite.

“Do you hear something?” asked James. He and Jesse had moved back onto the bed. Jesse’s skirt and bra had moved to the floor and the thong was still in her possession.

Jesse yawned. “Sounds like…Jigglypuff,” she said. She put her head on James’ chest. “Meowth probably paid it…”

A few minutes later, Jigglypuff picked the lock and skipped in. Jesse and James were both asleep on top of each other, same as usual. This time, however, James was completely naked and Jesse might as well have been. If not for her vengeful wrath at people falling asleep during her song, Jigglypuff might have found it cute that James had an arm around Jesse and under normal circumstances they could have fallen asleep themselves that way. But Jigglypuff was a wrathful pokemon. That was why she hopped up on the bed and began drawing on Jesse’s back.

An hour later, Allison woke up and looked down. Her partner stared back at her, both of them looking very worried. This was mostly because Clay had been using Allison’s chest as a pillow. The two leapt to their feet, quickly checking to make sure their clothes were still on them instead of in a small heap in the corner. “Did you slip us rare candy again?” snapped Allison.

Vaporeon yawned, stretched, and replied, “Don’t blame me if Clay thinks you’re comfortable.”

“Where’s my jigglypuff?” asked Allison. “And who wrote ‘screaming queen’ on Clay’s forehead?”

“Probably the same person who wrote ‘slut’ on your back,” said Clay.

“Looks like you two shouldn’t’ve called Jigglypuff a sissy,” said Brock.

Clay and Allison exchanged a glance. In this one brief action, several plans for Brock’s death were exchanged. “Uhm, Brock?” said Ash.

“Yes, Ash?”

“I guess you haven’t seen what Jigglypuff wrote on your forehead.”

Brock pulled a mirror out of nowhere and screamed. “Aughh! Why am I a slut?”

“Well, duh,” muttered Misty.

“I can go back to Professor Ivy anytime I want to,” Brock muttered back. Tracey continued to capture the way everyone had been vandalized, not noticing the “fat ass” that had been scrawled on his face. No one bothered to point it out to him.

Still plotting, Allison returned her attention to twisting around to try to see her vandalized back. “Did that stupid balloon thingie really call me a slut?”

“Hey, if the blank’s there, I say fill it in!” said Clay. “Now, do we have any more Purell?”

Meowth, meanwhile, was grimacing as Vaporeon used water gun to clean her Jigglypuff victimized face. “Isn’t dat technically your own spit?” he asked.

Vaporeon glared at him. “It’s water, you moron. Now shut up before I surf you.”

“Yes ma’am,” Meowth said quietly. He turned as Jesse and James entered. The first thing he noticed was that their clothes were wrinkled. And some of them were on the wrong person. He then noticed what had been scrawled on Jesse’s back. “Hey, Jesse! You and Allison are a matched set!”

“Why? What did that miserable Jigglypuff write on my back?” asked Jesse, joining Allison in her fruitless twisting.

“They’re not a complete set,” said James. “After all, Jesse’s got ‘whore’ written on her back, not slut! And a picture of…” James bent down to get a closer look. “Hey, Meowth, look at what Jigglyppuff drew!”

Meowth looked. “Humping nidorans. How appropriate!”

“I’m not a whore!” screamed Jesse.

“Yeah, whores get paid,” said Meowth. Jesse naturally stomped on him.

“Hey, Al, notice how James isn’t bothering to defend her honor?” Clay whispered. “Proving that he’s gay and secretly wants my sexy, sexy body?”

“Nobody wants your sexy, sexy body, Clay,” Allison replied. “Or your delusional, delusional brain. Did you notice how Jesse and James have been gone for…give me your watch, mine’s still all screwed up.”

Jesse glared at her partner, who seemed mildly amused by her plight. “Don’t laugh,” she snapped. “Jigglypuff wrote something even worse on your ass.”

James shrieked. “Why was…nevermind,” Meowth said, shuddering. “And what?”

“’Welcome aboard’,” Jesse happily lied. “So who won? Me or James?”

“My mom,” said Ash, scowling. “With her Mr. Mime.”

“Mr. Mime?!” exclaimed Jesse and James.

“Dat stupid jerk-off clown,” muttered Meowth.

“Hey, you leave my mom’s ugly pokemon alone!” snapped Ash.

“James, why are you wearing Jesse’s boots?” Meowth asked.

“Because they match her thong,” James replied with more naïve charm than a statement like that deserved.

Jesse whacked him with a frying pan. “You stole my thong while I was asleep?!”

“Uhh-huh huh huh…” said Brock, staring at Jesse.

“Come on, guys,” said Ash. “Let’s get back to Pallet Town. I want to show Gary…something…”

Misty rolled her eyes. “Yeah, Ash, I’m sure we’d all love to see your stupid seashell badges again.”

“Uhm, yeah!” said Ash. “I bet Gary would love to see my Sea Ruby Badge!”

“Is there really such a thing as a sea ruby?” asked Tracey.

Ash glared at him. “Look, Kenjii, if it’s in a seashell then it must be a sea ruby!” he screamed.

Misty blinked several times. “Where’s Team Rocket?” she asked. Clay and Allison gave her the finger. “Sorry. Where’s Jesse and James?”

“And Butch and Cassidy?” asked Tracey. “They seem to have vanished even before Jigglypuff appeared!”

“Who cares?” asked Clay.

“They’re all doing the same thing,” added Allison.

Butch and Cassidy probably weren’t doing what Jesse and James were doing, which was trying to clean the various dirty scribbles off Jesse’s back. “There’s more,” said James. Jesse sighed, took off her jacket, and pulled up her shirt in the back.

“How is dat…” Meowth began. “Ugh! You were naked, weren’t you?”

“No,” Jesse and James quickly muttered.

Meowth shook his head in disgust. “I can’t believe you two spent da whole day playin’ dress up and strip down!”

Jesse glared at him. “What about you?” she asked. “If you’re so smart, why didn’t you take the Pikachu?”

The cat shrugged. “I dunno. Dat’s your job!” He climbed on to James’ shoulder to look at what was left. “Damn, Jigglypuff was in a nasty mood today…”